READY?

Barry Manilow’s voice belted out in the background while the opening credits of the Goldie Hawn-Chevy Chase film ”Foul Play” started to roll.

You remind me I live in a shell
Safe from the past and
doing okay but not very well
No jolts, no surprises
No crisis arises
my life goes along as it should
It’s all very nice but not very good.

And I’m ready to take the chance again
Ready to put my life on a line with you
Been livin’ with nothing to show for it
You get what you get when you go for it
And I’m ready to take the chance again with you…

For a minute there, it reawakened the questions: Am I ready to take the chance again, put my life on the line again…?

Silence.

And then the thought of the now nearly ten years love affair with only myself resurfaced. There has been no one to warm the pillows and duvets with since. No playing footsy with. No back massaging. No breakfasts shared in bed. No crossword puzzle solving contests. No picnics. No late night movies. No impulsive shopping sprees. No one to argue with.

There is a hollow space. But there is no sense of emptiness either.
When memories of bygone times still fill you to the brim, it is not too difficult to sleep, wake up, and live alone.

I think I am still cozy with the “no-jolts, no-surprises” thing.
Aloneness is better than being with just anybody.