JUNE 18: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Today is your birthday. You’re 37.

What has become of you the last ten years? Did I ever cross your mind? Even for just a speck of a moment? I have every reason to believe I did. But probably not as much as you have crossed mine.

No. I’m perfectly okay. Settled. Super acquainted with your absence. Nonetheless, hollowed by it. No. No one else has taken your place. Doubt if that space gets filled-in again. My choice. Not an easy one. But my choice.

I remember I made a pact with God when we danced and waltzed a decade back. This was the night when I was booted out of an “elderly” call because I chose to choose and be with you. I told – nay, pleaded with – God in no uncertain terms and if a bit stubbornly that I would very much like for You and I to have our chance. And I said with such resoluteness and heaven-defiance that I will take whatever consequences my action will result in.

We were happy together, weren’t we? Of course, we were. In spite of such very limited time. So limited in fact that we barely scratched the surface of each other’s life. Six months. Your life turned upside down. Mine, too. But regardless. We were You and I.

Were you scared soon after? Did you feel any regret at all? Would you have preferred We didn’t happen? Was Salisbury a mistake? Tell me. Ask me. No. No. No. No.

Your last letter scarred me. Deep. Even so. I didn’t let go. The last movie we watched together was “Titanic”. You looked at me. I looked at you. Jack was telling Rose not to let go. And you squeezed my hands.

And more. More. More. More. More empty promises you left because you are a coward. Damn you! Stupid! They would have been better left unsaid. Damn me! Stupid! I hinged my life on the emptiness of hopelessness.

Today is your birthday. You are 37.

And I remember my pact. And I know I’m still paying. And I know I would do it again given everything that has been. And I know that in spite of the hatred and anger I feel for you, the core of my heart screams the same. Nothing altered. Nothing changed. Still.

Happy Birthday.