FIFTY

I am 50 today. I do not know what I did to deserve this gift, but I am overflowing with thanks. I cannot say with certainty whether I would like to relive every second of my life all over again, but what I can say with absolute conviction is that if given another chance, I would choose to be me again.

I come from a family as imperfect and as common and flawed as any other, but I will not exchange them for anything in the world. No matter our differences, I love my family very much. But I know in my heart I also belong to a bigger family, a family of people who are extensions of myself – my friends.

I once heard it said that half of life is becoming what you have always wanted to be; the other half is having people to share who you have become. That is why I am thankful not only for my family, but also for my friends. If treasures can be quantified by how many friends one has kept through the years, know then that I am a very rich person. I have friends I grew up with, friends who were mentors in juvenile quests for the meaning of life, friends who continue to be supporters, friends who are embraced in spirit even when they are out of reach, friends who became lovers and lovers who became friends, friends who are my cheering squad, my worst critic, my bitter clash-mates, my ward, my idol, my inspiration, my child, my parents, and friends who have become intricately embedded in my life and therefore friends who complete me. To them, and I know they know who they are, I owe a lot.

A friend once described me as being overtly ambitious. I won’t fault him for that. Ambition is good as long as it does not make you blind. Ambition is compass. Ambition is goal. Ambition is motivation.

But I can only stand for what I know I want and what I prefer not to want. I know in the big scheme of things, I want to remain anonymous, common and inconsequential. When I was much younger, I was one who liked to be the center of everyone’s attention, but age has taught me that receding quietly to the background, where there is peace and quiet, is a much better choice. I believe that when you know who you are inside and out, there is no need to make a point about and of yourself. I make mistakes big time and I do not want to be the subject of people’s scrutiny, especially the unkind ones. Admittedly, I am careful not to offend or disappoint those I care about, the people who nevertheless I know will not censure me for any gaffe and misstep I could possibly do.

And what of love and lovers? Love is a magical experience no one should be denied to have a go of no matter how briefly or fleetingly. I am grateful for my own magical moments. Nothing beats the feeling of loving and being loved in equal parts and at the same time. In loving, many people get broken-hearted because in the process, they forget to love themselves. While love must be unconditional, it must not necessarily be selfless. I have done my share and have contributed to the collective experience of the Universe as far as loving is concerned. There were tears, yes, but there were laughter, too, and joy brought forth from the recesses of the heart. Inexplicable. Indescribable. Unimaginable. When you have collected enough memories of love gained and even love lost through this short life, I think your cup is filled to the brim even if your clock heralds your inevitable dusk; even if you walk towards your sunset alone.

But aloneness is a blessing too. In some strange way, when you have spent half your life trying to find the Significant Other, who turns out to be insignificant anyway, you find solace in the company of your soul sooner if not later. This is when you turn inward to commune with your Higher Self, the one who tells you you are special because you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and that you have a Higher Guardian who looks after you and loves you in spite of yourself.

But at 50, there are still matters left exploring. Oftentimes, when I allow reverie to take hold of me, I wonder if at this stage of my life I have already reached my highest potential as a person. That going through the timeline given you to make the most of what you can become, how do you know you have arrived? While I have gone the distance in trying to simplify my life and not grapple with questions only the Universe can answer, it still makes me wonder if, really, there is more to it than what I presently see and feel and know. Up to this point, I have become who I chose to become, and if what I am now is not my final Me, I will not argue with what Fate holds.

Joey
December 16, 2009