"TESTING" THOUGHTS!

there have been several instances during the last couple of weeks when my tear ducts would simply swell without any provocation and would let a flood of tears sweep through, past the eyelashes, the wrinkled cracks on my face, down the numbness of olay-aided face skin - until i could actually taste the salty texture of the fluid. and mind you - no emotions at all. one night, i was watching a replay of the serena williams - maria sharapova australian open final and tears just popped out of my eyes with gusto! strange.

i made mention of this to an officemate whose brother-in-law is a doctor, and i was told that when fatigue and stress combine to wear the body out, that experience is triggered.

i must admit that my third semester back in school has been a monumental struggle. 23 units of college load on top of pressure-building demands at work (especially meeting deadlines in my publications department) take toll on the body and the mind. something suffers. something dies. my enthusiasm has been dampened a bit because i could not cope with the mental exercises: juggling schedules to do assignments, preparing for quizzes, reviewing for exams, doing group projects. it does not help at all that algebra is on the table. it takes me hours to review lessons which a mathematics-inclined student can so smoothly articulate in a song! i've lost the competitive edge. i've given up participation in recitations for fear of embarrassing or being embarrassed by a teacher.

last week, i went to the registrar's office to inquire about the possibility of graduating with honors. the bummer was this: even if i re-enrolled all previously credited subjects and take it to the maximum limit of 100% marks, i will still not qualify to graduate with honors because of my transferee status. that stung, because it means no matter what excellence you deliver in the three-and-a-half year at school, you will not get recognized because you are a "mestizo". a bit shallow, if i'm allowed to ridicule the rule.

at work, the one-book-a-month challenge is also working its way against me. i hardly find time to do a bit of relaxing, as in between my mini-breaks, i need to continue scouting from the treasure trove of materials transcriptions that could be culled together to form a book. heaps of reading undo the eyes and i won't be surprised if one day, i end up blind.

i miss my friends. i phoned to say hello to manfred one evening and just hearing him on the other line brought out an emotional outburst which i thought surprised manfred a lot. he was solicitous and comforting soon after, even asking if i wanted to fly over to schwaebisch gmuend.

there's the trip to california scheduled in april. i'm torn between going and staying because i actually do not like to be away too long. travelling is not part of the immediate 5-year plan. and the O/C in me squirms at sudden departures from already established and well laid-out goals.

i danced before a large crowd at the student center auditorium and felt like fish out of water. why do i put myself in such compromising situations just because i do not want to disappoint my teachers? i hope this thing changes next semester when i could call my shots and be vocal about them.

and there's the subplot on my "adopted son" ralph and his i-love-her-but-can't-tell-her love story with someone who he thinks is a girl of superior breed from fairyland and i play out the role of a fatherly cushion ready to catch him when he falls. ralph is a nice boy who needs help with his long-range planning and in also boosting his confidence a bit.

there's too much to rant about. but guess what? i've written all of the above as representations of thoughts that found their way into this particular blog entry when all the while the only thing that i like to do is check if my computer can upload the image on top. it can!

crazy image. crazy thoughts.
and none matters.

VALENTINE: A DECADE AND ONE AGO

“ano’ng kailangan kong gawin
upang malaman mong
ikaw ay minamahal ko?
kailangan ko’y katulad mo
sa buhay kong ito,
nag-iisa lang sa mundo
dati’y nasaktan na ako’t
takot nang magtiwala,
ayoko na sanang umibig pa
ngunit ikaw’y ibang-iba
sa lahat ng nakilala,
sana ay ikaw na nga...

ano’ng kailangan kong gawin
upang matigil na
ang kabaliwan kong ito?
sumpa ko sa sarili’y
hinding hinding hindi na
ngunit heto na naman ako
hindi na papipigil pa’t
hindi na paaawat,
‘sinisigaw na ang pangalan mo
ikaw talaga’y ibang-iba
sa lahat ng nakilala,
sana ay ikaw na nga ...”

i smiled when i heard this song again this afternoon. at ikaw ang unang taong pumasok sa isip ko. it’s a cute song of fearful expectations. sana. sana. sana.

of course, ang context ng kanta ay galing sa isang pusong unti-unti na namang nagmamahal pero natatakot na muling masaktan. hindi na bagay sa akin. after a thousand lessons in falling in and out of love, malaki na ang phobia ko pagdating sa ganyan. in your own terms, ang tawag mo “trauma”, di ba?

but even in friendships, in starting out a fresh relationship with anybody, natural lang na naroon ang mga pangamba. siyempre, nangangapa ka sa umpisa dahil hindi mo alam whether the friendship you are offering will be accepted or rejected. naroon iyong hindi mo masabing “i’d like to get to know you more” dahil takot kang baka ma-misinterpret ka. naroon iyong maalala mo ang mga past starting points na hindi nag-work-out at biglang nag-“the-end” na.

and when the relationship has started to blossom, naroon pa rin ang mga insecurities. takot kang baka ikaw lang ang nagbibigay pero wala ka namang tinatanggap. takot kang baka pagdating ng panahong makakita siya ng ibang magiging kaibigan eh maiwan ka na lang. takot kang baka sumosobra na ang pagpapakita mo ng affections at nagmumukhang engot ka na. takot kang baka bigla na lang siyang mawala sa iyo.

i am glad that we are past these points. kumbaga, lumampas na tayo sa testing grounds. you have accepted me at tinanggap din kita. the last six weeks have been a blissful period that will testify to what we have gone through. the thoughtful phone calls you make that completes my day. the numerous times you have slept over at palagi tayong puyat sa panonood ng mga videos hanggang umaga. the few times we went out on a picnic together discovering many hidden valleys and dry streams and shallow rivers and arid desert expanse. and even the current “trial-by-rumors” that we are weathering right now. through it all, we’ve stood by each other. that is quite a gift. thank you for sticking it out with me.

thank you sa unti-unti mong pagbubukas ng buhay mo sa akin. sa pagtitiwala mo that I can be counted on. thank you sa pagpapahalaga mo sa akin at sa pagbibigay mo ng mga bagong kulay sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. thank you sa pang-unawa mo sa akin, sa pagkatao ko, sa mga pangangailangan ko. nakakatuwang sa kabila ng agwat ng edad natin (your 26 to my 36!) alam mo kung paano ako sakyan. thank you dahil alam kong nandiyan ka sa tabi ko hindi lang bilang kaibigan, kundi bilang kapatid, bilang kakampi, bilang katuwang.

hindi mo alam kung gaano unti-unting nagkakaroon ng bagong bihis ang buhay ko ngayon dahil sa iyo. pero hindi na ako mag-e-elaborate. basta, kung ano man iyong nararamdaman ko, dala-dala ko iyon sa puso ko.

14 february 96
12:14 am

PS.
salamat sa dinner ngayong gabi. napakasarap ng luto mo. napakatamis ng white wine. napakainit ng chamomile tea. napakasagana ng chocolate mousse. ikaw talaga’y ibang-iba sa lahat ng nakilala. sana…