1.29.11

THIS ONE IS FOR YOU

so you, too, fell in the trap
yes, the cat-and-mouse one
the one that leaves you floating
in clouds of esteem and importance
but only for a while
the one that keeps you there
and pegs you there
and hooks you there
until you get addicted
to the whims of charm…

and what happens
when the flirtation of novelty
is gone?
he moves on
and you hang on;
he sleeps well
and you’re sleepless,
more anxious with turmoil
while he relaxes;
he plays it cool
and you play the fool;
and all you have is a
rewind of empty words
he never really meant
the way you want
them to mean.

your trouble is not your own
other eyes watch and pray
hoping you won’t be the prey
it’s not enough
to say you don’t care
there is no malice, oh,
truth or dare?
you know your heart better
and in this wily snare
beware…
the evil one lurks like a roaring lion
seeking one like you,
so gullible,
to devour…

***

What kept me occupied today?
Thinking about my eyes.
Tired.
Seeing blurred.
And can’t seem to help it…

***

Kim Clijsters beat Na Li 3-6 6-3 6-3 at the Australian Open Women’s Final.


REFLECTIONS
Leviticus 5-7

Leviticus 5:1
If a person sins because he does not speak up when he hears a public charge to testify regarding something he has seen or learned about, he will be held responsible.

Leviticus 5:5…
“‘When anyone is guilty in any of these ways, he must confess in what way he has sinned…”

Penalty:
- Female lamb or goat, or if he cannot afford it
- Two doves or two young pigeons, or if he cannot afford it
- A tenth of an ephah of fine flour (about two liters)
Note the hierarchy of offerings allowed.
There is social status.
Egalite, anyone?

Offerings are not made lackadaisically.
Or without aforethought.

1.28.11

I was in New York in 2002 when I caught the buzz around “American Idol.”

Kelly Clarkson won over Justin Guarini and their faces were all over the magazines splurged on every corner of Times Square. Another talent, who got eliminated in the top 4 round, was Tamyra Gray who everybody thought would get the title. I bought the DVD of the show and from then on, got hooked. I also bought a VCD of their cheesy “From Justine to Kelly” film which was a disaster. And I also bought the Kelly’s “Thankful” album and voted “Beautiful Disaster” as the song I would listen to over and over again.

More than the participants and the winners, the show was also about the judges who were composed of Paul Abdul, Randy Jackson and the incorrigible British judge Simon Cowell, who I liked a lot – his honesty, often mistaken for brutality, is what the show is about. What can one expect from a stiff-upper-lipped British?

The local cable showed delayed telecasts of Season 2, which I never saw. Reuben Studdard eclipsed Clay Aiken, even as the sale of the latter’s debut album eclipsed the former. Clay symbolized the “geek” dark horse who went on to win the audience’s heart.

In spite of two Fil-Ams taking part in Season 3 – Jasmine Trias and Camille Velasco – I also wasn’t able to see the entire show, save the finale which had Fantasia Barrino outsinging Diana DeGarmo. Two other sensational singers were eliminated earlier on: La Toya London and Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer went on to do “Dreamgirls” for which she won an Oscar Best Supporting Actress award. It was said that her rendition of “And I Am Telling You” took a bit of something from Beyonce Knowle’s act.

Then, Season 4 came. From the beginning I was rooting for Bo Bice, the rocker (over the other rocker Constantine Maroulis). His soulful rendition of “I’ll Be” was an instant hit with me. I didn’t even know the song prior to the competition but learned to like it after his take. Simon prophetically predicted that not only Carrie Underwood would win the competition but she will also outsell all other American Idol winners. How could he have known that? Of course, he was right. Still is.

Season 5 was my favorite if only because of the many, many talented artists that took part – and most of them landed a recording contract. Mandisa, Bucky Covington, Paris Bennett, Ace Young, Kellie Pickler, Chris Daughtry, Elliott Yamin, Katherine McPhee and the eventual winner Taylor Hicks. Chris was upset in the last 4 round but went on to become the top-selling artist of this season. Taylor was a joy to watch every time he performed no matter how bad he was put down by Simon. One notable fixture of the show who has now passed away was Elliott’s mother.

Chris Richardson was my favorite in Season 6. In fact, I collected all his audio and video performances and downloaded a post-Idol digital recording of an R&B tune, “All Alone” which I thought could have made it to Billboard if it were properly marketed. Jordin Sparks won the title over the beatboxer Blake Lewis. But it was Melinda Doolittle, a back-up singer, who was earlier touted to claim the honor in spite of strong opposition from an equally talented LaKisha Jones.

Hands down, David Cook rocked the Season 7 show. His show-stoppers “Eleanor Rigby”, “Billy Jean”, “Hello”, “Always Be My Baby” and even the Phantom of the Opera song, “Music of the Night” were digital hits. He set a Billboard record by having the most number of songs in the Billboard Top 100 immediately after the show. His final opponent, David Archuleta also had a share of some shining moments onstage, particularly his emotionally-charged “Imagine” rendition. Here, one memorable moment was the judging of Paula Abdul. After one song by a contestant, she said something like, “Compared to your first song…” which immediately made me (1) cringe in my seat, (2) feel embarrassed for her, (3) question if they were really serious about their job as judges. It was a mental lapse, but something unforgiveable for such a responsibility.

Though Adam Lambert elicited the only standing ovation ever given by Simon Cowell after singing “Mad World”, it failed to win him the Season 8 crown. Was it his super flamboyance that gave the votes away to eventual winner and much simpler Kris Allen? Kris, whose performance of the song “To Make You Feel My Love” made me download all the versions of the song from Adele to Bob Dylan to Ronan Keating to Trisha Yearwood to Kellie Clarkson. And a new judge was added to the panel – Kara DioGuardi. I felt that it was a way to inch Paula out the next season.

True enough, Paula was let off the hook in Season 9 and was replaced by Ellen DeGeneres. The dwindling ratings failed to take a positive turn as slowly, slowly another example of “the only way to go when you’re on top is down” became even more apparent. The talents this year nowhere came near the previous seasons except perhaps for runner-up Crystal Bowersox who failed to charm the voting public. Instead, the winner was the oh-so-boring but slightly good looking Lee DeWyze. I didn’t even bother to check on their albums after the show.

And this season, Simon Cowell left the show as did Kara DioGuardi. In their stead, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith and Jennifer Lopez were put in along with resident 10-year judge Randy Jackson.

I am keeping watch.
Yes.
Only because, as I mentioned earlier, of
Jennifer Lopez.


REFLECTIONS
Leviticus 1-4

What is the difference between an herd and a flock?
flock = a group under a leader / a large number
herd = a group of animals of one kind kept together under human control

Burnt, grain and fellowship offerings are to be without defect, without yeast.

Leviticus 3:17
‘This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, wherever you live: You must not eat any fat or any blood.’

* For Israelites only?

Leviticus 4:27
If a member of the community sins unintentionally and does what is forbidden in any of the LORD’S commands, he is guilty.

*Unintentional sin does not free anyone from guilt.

1.27.11

Chris Evert got me into tennis in 1985.

No, she did not hand me one of her wooden rackets and taught me how to execute her two-fisted backhand. But on my very first encounter with the game during a summer vacation in the Netherlands when my hosts stopped everything we were doing to watch the Wimbledon women’s final, she imprinted on my mind a memory to behold – her grace, her skill, her quiet focus and her dignified surrender as she was defeated in the by her nemesis and friend, Martina Navratilova, 4-6 6-3 6-2.

That got me started.

This was the time when these two great players – Chris and Martina – were playing towards the end of their illustrious careers, when Steffi Graf and Boris Becker were beginning to get noticed.

Day after day, I would read, cut out, collect and paste articles about my favorite players and the scores of their matches in an album. I would even, when I could, videotape their matches. And in order to appreciate their game more, I started playing tennis myself.

I remember being coached at the old YMCA tennis courts (where SM Manila is now located) and playing singles and doubles whenever I could. I remember how tenacious I was – running after every ball – that someone, I don’t remember who, even said I was the Michael Chang. I remember how I was my boss’ favorite doubles partner. I remember taking part in my very first tournament and being intimidated by a Dutch player whose wife kept telling me before the start of the match that I had no way of beating her husband. I won 6-2 6-0. I remember being and losing in two finals. I remember being injured and having my right ankle cast. I remember having a slipped disc and being told by the doctor to keep away from tennis.

For a while, I was happy to see the rise of Steffi who I thought at the time was too focused on making her mark that she looked grumpy even at an early age. When she beat Chris Evert in the finals of the Australian Open 1988, 6-1 7-6, to claim the first of her calendar Grand Slams, I began to steer away from her. I don’t know why, and still do not know why.

But of course, new breed of stars inevitably shines. There was Gabriela Sabatini who I liked too much even if she was consistently defeated by Steffi. There was Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario and her ever-present mom. There was Jennifer Capriati whose career we watched from her debut in the Federation Cup up to her decline – remember that mug shot after she was caught shoplifting? – and resurrection (3 Grand Slams and a number one ranking) and eventual decline.

And then, there was Monica Seles.
I do not understand this, but when she beat Chris Evert in one of her early tournaments, I didn’t mind at all. Monica was too skinny, her grunt and her two-hand forehand and backhand uniquely hers. And I started rooting for her. When she was handily beating Steffi Graf, one deranged fan couldn’t take it any longer and stabbed her. Could Steffi have collected all the grand slam trophies she has had if Monica was not sidelined for two years? There will always be an asterisk to Steffi’s accomplishments. When Monica retired, I lost interest in the women's game altogether.

Martina Hingis, the precocious Swiss Miss, also came into the picture. It was a pity that her Grand Slam quest was dashed by Iva Majoli who beat her in the only slam that she had not won – the French. I was all for Martina until she so easily started beating the resurgent Monica – and then my liking fizzled.

The Williams Sisters – Venus and Serena – were not my favorites. I felt sad for Venus, who was earlier vouched for as the better between the two, when Serena won the US Open, scoring ahead of her elder sister. They, along with Anna Kournikova who was a Nick Bolletieri prodigy, were touted to rule the game. Anna ended with no single trophy to her credit, and well, Serena to-date does as she pleases – combining tennis and her other interests.

Then, the Russians came and went: (French Open winner), Svetlana Kuznetsova, Elena Dementieva, etc. Dinara Safina held the number one ranking very briefly, but was too unnerved by taunts of her being ranked number one as a fluke. Do not forget Maria Sharapova who scored a Wimbledon, a US Open, and an Australian Open to her name.

The French also stomped their flag on top. Mary Pierce, who briefly played in the US Federation Cup before turncoating to the French League, Nathalie Tauziat who reached a Wimbledon final, and the masculine Amelie Mauresmo.

The Belgians – Justine Henin and Kim Clijsters – held court for a while until they retired. Kim got married, became a mother, returned and won two more US Opens. Justine divorced and returned, reached the Australian Open final shortly thereafter, but failed to win, was injured, and announced retirement again.

What about the Serbs? The oh-so-pretty Ana Ivanonic and her compatriot Jelena Jankovic. They both reached number one. They both held the spot very briefly. They both, sadly, dropped from the top, too.

Now, there is Caroline Wozniacki from Denmark who reigns at the top.
But honestly, it does not rouse my interest back.

Why am I writing all this, and without a mention of the men?
Because I only remember their names but I wasn’t much of the men’s game follower until Rafael Nadal.

True, I know the names John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg and Jimmy Connors and I also saw the rise and fall of Ivan Lendl, Mats Wilander, Boris Becker, Stefan Edberg, Michael Stich, Richard Krajicek, Michael Chang, Jim Courier, Sergi Bruguera, Gustavo Kuerten, Marcelo Rios, Pat Cash, Patrick Rafter, Goran Ivanisevic, Andrei Medvedev, Yevgeny Kafelnikov, Thomas Muster, Carlos Moya, Juan Carlos Ferrero, Alberto Costa, Alex Corretja, Lleyton Hewitt, Andy Roddicks – but I never really got into the groove of men’s tennis. It seems too impersonal and too mechanical for me.

But when Pete Sampras won his first US Open at a very young age, I became a fan of this gentleman and would always bet on him to win against his closest foe, the flamboyant Andre Agassi. I loved Pete’s demeanor. Few words. More action on the court.

So, you can imagine what happened when he was beaten at the quarterfinals of the 2003Wimbledon by this long-haired upstart Roger Federer? I had an instant dislike for Roger. To this day – save for that moment during the 2009 Australian Open when he shed tears after losing to Rafael Nadal in the final – I have very less sympathy for him. It’s just me, the fan. Nothing personal.

Which brings me to Nadal’s loss at the hands of David Ferrer last night.
Why did I like Nadal in the first place?
I think it has something to do with his powerful play.
His rawness.
His looks.
His wild swings.
His gentleman ways.
Yes, his gentleman ways.

At the interview, he asked not to be questioned about his injury, careful not to take away anything from the victory of Ferrer. It is not what he said, but how he said it. Very gentle, almost pleading, very caring.

And so, his lost was mine, too.

PS
Roger Federer got beaten by Novak Djokovic in straight sets, too.
6-7 5-7 4-6
And he was not injured as Nadal was.

PPS
After having won 21 of the last 23 grand slams between them, this will be the first time since the 2008 Australian Open between Novak Djokovic and Jo-Wilfred Tsonga that neither Roger Federer nor Rafael Nadal is a finalist.


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 38-40

Exodus 38
The minerals offered by the people for use in the construction of the tabernacle:
Gold One Metric Ton
Silver Three Metric Ton
Bronze Two and a Half Metric Ton
Mining must have been a flourishing trade back then!
And jewelry making an in-demand profession!

Exodus 39:42
The Israelites had done all the work just as the LORD had commanded Moses. Moses inspected the work and saw that they had done it just as the LORD had commanded. So Moses blessed them.

God commands.
People obey.
Leader blesses people.

Exodus 40:36-38
In all the travels of the Israelites, whenever the cloud lifted from above the tabernacle, they would set out; but if the cloud did not lift, they did not set out—until the day it lifted. So the cloud of the LORD was over the tabernacle by day, and fire was in the cloud by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel during all their travels.

Even now, whether there are clouds and fire or not, God’s omnipresence is felt by all. He is in all, over all.
And it is just wonderful to be under his protection.

1.26.11

This is my 100th post.

And the nominations are out for the 83rd Oscar Awards.
Here are my bets:
Best Picture The King’s Speech / The Social Network
Best Actor Colin Firth
Best Actress Annette Bening / Natalie Portman
Best Supporting Actor Christian Bale / Geoffrey Rush
Best Supporting Actress Melissa Leo / Hailee Steinfeld
Best Director Tom Hooper / David Fincher

On my to-watch list:
True Grit
The King’s Speech
The Fighter

And the semifinalists are lined-up for the Australian Open, too!
Caroline Wozniacki (1) vs Li Na (9)
Vera Zvonareva (2) vs Kim Clijsters (3)
And I like a Kim Clijsters-Li Na finals.
And I like either of them to win.



But one familiar name will be missing in the marquee for the men’s side.
Roger Federer (2) will meet Novak Djokovic (3)
but
David Ferrer (7) upset Rafael Nadal (1) 6-4 6-2 6-3 in 2 and a half hours.
No more Rafa Slam.
No more Nadal-Federer finals.
No more.
I am inconsolable.
I am in mourning.
An injury held his dream at bay.
And even in victory, David Ferrer knew it wasn't real.
Hu-hu-hu!!!
(I like Andy to get his No. 1; not Roger getting his No. 17.)

Wednesday!!!
And the clock ticks.
And the papers come rushing in.
Reports to gather and summarize.
Budget.
EW.

Wednesday!!!
Wednesday!!!
Wednesday!!!


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 35-37

The Lord expects those whom he has given skills to offer their skills as he wills.

Exodus 35:30-35
Then Moses said to the Israelites, “See, the LORD has chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts—to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic craftsmanship. And he has given both him and Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, the ability to teach others. He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as craftsmen, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen, and weavers—all of them master craftsmen and designers.

The willingness of the people is acknowledged.
Come to think of it, those who were not willing were not coerced to offer!

But the leaders also knew when enough is enough.
In other words, there was no corruption!

Exodus 36:5-7
“The people are bringing more than enough for doing the work the LORD commanded to be done.” Then Moses gave an order and they sent this word throughout the camp: “No man or woman is to make anything else as an offering for the sanctuary.” And so the people were restrained from bringing more, because what they already had was more than enough to do all the work.

A yielded heart, mind and soul can do anything and everything for the glory of God.
An obedient heart is committed to do just one thing: obey without question.

1.25.11

A brief review of my Wish List:

1. Renovate house in Bataan
A necessity still, but only very minor repairs.

2. Repair house in Augustus
Quotation in. Still in quandary over expenses.

3. Save short-term and long-term
As of today, yes, there are short-term savings
And I think the long-term one has also begun.
Long-term target: When I turn 55 or 2015!!!

4. Travel locally with Tatay & Nanay and travel abroad
Maybe, the local travel will be in Banaue.
And the travel abroad scheduled this year: Bangkok, USA, Australia

5. Read one book a month
Done with three.
Currently: Just Like Jesus

6. Print first personal book
Ho-hum

7. Publish 4 major books for Kaloob/CSM
Tud Bulul will be first.
Currently: BS Guides / 50 Payo Series

8. Learn more by reviewing more
A review of my 1995!
And there are lessons re-learned.

9. Play tennis again
Today was my third week of tennis re-training.
I am content with just hitting the ball.
Way over the challenge of running after each ball.
Make the coach work for his fee.

10. Be health-conscious
Less caffeine, less meat
A bit more of exercise
More sleep

11. Watch film once a week
Done with I think five or six?
Will watch: Hereafter by Clint Eastwood, starring Matt Damon

12. Indulge once a month
My indulgence time and budget over
Shopped and massaged!

13. Retreat once a quarter
On sked

14. Write
The continuity of this blog is by itself a miraculous whiff.
When there’s a will, albeit a small one, there is a way.

15. Be better
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Getting there.

Quadro was adopted by Ricky.
Trish was adopted by Loren.
And I felt sad giving them away.
Hu-hu-hu!!!

REFLECTIONS
Exodus 32-34

Why was Aaron so gullible?
Why were the people forgetful about what a mighty God they have?
Why was Moses so burdened with concern?
And boy, oh, boy!
What an intercessor!
This is what intercession is about!
(Review Genesis 18 – Abraham’s intercession with God for Sodom and Gomorrah)

Note the dialogue between God and Moses:
Exodus 32:9 (The Lord)
Now leave me alone so that my anger may burn against them and that I may destroy them.

Exodus 32:11-13 (Moses)
“O LORD, why should your anger burn against your people, whom you brought out of Egypt with great power and a mighty hand? Why should the Egyptians say, ‘It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth’? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people. Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac and Israel, to whom you swore by your own self: ‘I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and I will give your descendants all this land I promised them, and it will be their inheritance forever.’”

The result of the dialogue:
Exodus 32:14
Then the LORD relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened.

A few notes:
* Aaron, the chosen spokesman of God was a liar!
Exodus 32:24
…they gave me the gold, and I threw it into the fire, and out came this calf!

* Moses commanded at least 3,000 people to be killed by those in favor of the Lord.
Life is lent.
Life is taken back.
And who are we to argue?

* The Lord struck the people with plague!
But though this life is meant to be enjoyed, there are also rules to follow.
And number one rule: DO NOT MESS WITH GOD!


* The Lord’s “indecisiveness”?
Exodus 33:5
‘You are a stiff-necked people. If I were to go with you even for a moment, I might destroy you. Now take off your ornaments and I will decide what to do with you.’

(Another side of the Lord:)
Genesis 6:6
The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.

* Moses and the Lord
Exodus 33:11
The LORD would speak to Moses face to face, as a man speaks with his friend.

(Moses, preceding Solomon in asking God’s favor)
Exodus 33:13
If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.

Moses: Show me your glory.
Lord: Likod na lang, huwag na mukha. Kung hindi, tigbak ka!

* The Lord’s proclamation of himself
Exodus 34:6-7 “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, 7maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.”

His demand:
Exodus 34:20
No one is to appear before me empty-handed.

* The radiant face of Moses
A result of fellowshipping with God

1.24.11

I received the quotation for the repair – in this case, the extension of my room – of the house in Augustus: P374,000.00
The quotation is a positive step.
I look at it now and ask: Can I do it? Will I do it? Should I do it?
I still do not have the answer.
I turned back on my January 1 wish list.
I want to do it.
But…
But…
But…
(There must be something positive that will come out if I remain patient a bit more…?)

Wish List #4
Just might happen this first quarter and then again in summer.
The Lord willing, I hope to be able to visit Australia.

The lesson at today’s BS was The Fifth Commandment.
Honor your father and your mother.
I think it was one of the most emotional studies we’ve had.
At Mega, most were quiet. At Jo-es, a few were in tears.
There must be something about parents that touches and warms the heart.
But why is my heart so cold?

I pray that God’s love will sustain what personal love I cannot draw out.
One can only withdraw what is deposited.
One cannot give what one has not received.
One can only understand.
One can only honor so much.

Film of the Week: Frozen
Eeeeeeeeeekkkkkkk!!!!
It’s a movie about stupid people’s stupid choices.
It’s a movie about stupid people’s bad luck.
It’s a movie about stupid people dying on ski slopes by falling off a ski lift and being eaten by wolves.
It’s a movie that makes you squirm.
It’s a movie that reminds me of another movie about stupid people’s bad luck.
The movie was Open Water.
Yes, that one where the stupid people got eaten by sharks.


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 29-31

The Consecration of the Priests
I remember Fr. Ralph Roberts and how close we were and how suddenly, I thought of priests as no better than any average human.
Priests are us.
We are priests.
If only because we should be conduits between God and man –
and the consecration it requires to be and do the part?
Wow!
It is difficult to be both the representative of God and being your own devil.


Exodus 30:11-12
Then the LORD said to Moses, “When you take a census of the Israelites to count them, each one must pay the LORD a ransom for his life at the time he is counted. Then no plague will come on them when you number them…”

Thank you, Jesus, for paying this ransom for me, effectively releasing me from the clutches of my worst enemy: the evil in me.


Exodus 31:12-13
Then the LORD said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘You must observe my Sabbaths. This will be a sign between me and you for the generations to come, so you may know that I am the LORD, who makes you holy…”

Thank you, Tatay, for my day of rest.
And really I am grateful that my day of rest is a day accounted to you.
I am jealous of my first day of the week which happens to be Tuesday.
In it, I need, want, must do ALL the work that will hinder me from my Mondays.

1.23.11

Sunday once more.
Yesterday, I reviewed the video presentation of DBD Pakistan and was moved by how bravely Sis. Sharon faced up to the challenges of being a missionary, a widow, a mother.
The video was shown at today’s service.
Many people were moved.
Some people even shed a few tears.
I pray there will be more supporters.
I pray there will be more prayers said for the ministry there.

Sunday once more.
And the usual stomach-churning thing about budgets.
And the needs to be supplied.
And the supplies to be paid.
And the payment out of the moneys received.
And the money that comes from people who come to hear God’s message.
And God’s message spoken through a messenger.
And the messenger happens to be Pastor Ed.
And all the stomach-churching things to be budgeted
land on the lap of the speaker.
What a responsibility!

Sunday once more.
And God is at work.
And God is in control.

REFLECTIONS
Exodus 26-28

Details.
God is in the smallest details.
There is no space where God isn’t.
In art.
In creativity.
In every expression of order.
In harmony.
In color.
In natural minerals.
In protocol.

In everything.
God is over.
Above.
Supreme.
The Boss!!!

Thank you for making me your tabernacle.
Help me have respect for this tabernacle.

1.22.11

Very less sleep.
And in spite of that, I had a very good response to the BS at HP today.
One of the attendees texted that he felt relief after our discussion on Anger,
and another asked to speak to me next week when he can.

My wi-fi connection is off!!!
It totally freaks me out to depend on the undependability of technology.
Like, what do you do when you have a lot of e-mail to reply to and your computer does not read the range of wi-fi connections for no apparent reason? Or even a new post to upload to your blog?

Plans a-brewing: Destination Bangkok
Tired.

Bad news about American Idol: Low ratings compared to last season. Down 14%
Good news about American Idol: High ratings on a Thursday debut for Fox
For me, the good news is Jennifer Lopez being in it.
And to take note of her clothes and hairstyle all throughout the season.
It’s a bit inane, mundane and worldly – but there are a few things in life that makes you happy no matter how shallow they seem.
Besides, I am really shallow.


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 22-25

A few noteworthy memory verses:

Exodus 22:3
A thief must certainly make restitution, but if he has nothing, he must be sold to pay for his theft.

Exodus 22:25-27
25“If you lend money to one of my people among you who is needy, do not be like a moneylender; charge him no interest. 26If you take your neighbor’s cloak as a pledge, return it to him by sunset, 27because his cloak is the only covering he has for his body. What else will he sleep in? When he cries out to me, I will hear, for I am compassionate.”

Exodus 23:15
No one is to appear before me empty-handed.

Exodus 23:19
Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the LORD your God.


Exodus 24:9-11 (To comply with the Lord’s wish, an audience with him…)
Moses and Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and the seventy elders of Israel went up 10and saw the God of Israel. Under his feet was something like a pavement made of sapphire, clear as the sky itself. 11But God did not raise his hand against these leaders of the Israelites; they saw God, and they ate and drank.

Exodus 25
The Lord’s sanctuary/ tabernacle
A Representation of God’s dwelling
He can only be housed spiritually.
He cannot be contained…
Or can he???
If he inhabits man, he is limited by the limitation of man…
But come to think of him, if man thinks of himself as god…
nothing is impossible…
With God, nothing is impossible.
Indeed.

1.21.11

Of course, there should come a time when one also breaks one’s schedule.
I have been so used to – in fact, addicted – to my obsessive-compulsive life.
That means, I go through the rigidity of laid-put schedules and plans that I need to do for the day.

Fact 1, I know what clothes to wear when I wake up, before I even go to sleep.
Fact 2, I mentally note, not necessarily in chronological order, the things I need to do, people I need to speak to, meetings to call and attend even before my day starts.
Fact 3, this tediousness helps me make it through the day.

True, I am sometimes thought of being idolatrous to my organized line up of to do’s, but if being idolatrous to this routine gives me peace, productivity and sense of harmony, I really find nothing wrong in it.

True, it does take away the pleasure of a surprise or the miracles of serendipity but I am no longer a wide-eyed teen nor a hopelessly romantic young urban professional who is still slowly finding his right, left and center.
For life’s sake, I am way past 50 and know what is and isn’t good for me!

So today, as I was summoned to go to Pansol, I battled a bit of hesitation to comply. Why? Because I find it difficult to turn my back on the already scheduled plan to edit for the day.
But drive I did – and boy, that solitary time inside the Avanza with me, the music and my personal musings with God gave me a wonderful feeling of peace!
There is nothing that beats being one-on-one with TATAY!

It changed my mood the rest of the day.
(Even if I had to return home at 2:30 the morning after!)


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 18-21

Exodus 18:17-18
Jethro: “What you are doing is not good. 18You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone…”

The wonderful ministry of delegation
Is only wonderful when the person you delegate your job can be trusted to do the job well. But people being people – and I have, many times in my life, been crushed, singed, burned, disappointed, discouraged and hurt by people – there is always room for errors that you need to look out for in order to make sure that tasks assigned are done in the best possible way. That gives the leader twice as much to do.
So?
(Or am I just being cynical?)
(Or am I just playing “perfect”?)

Exodus 19:12-13
‘Be careful that you do not go up the mountain or touch the foot of it. Whoever touches the mountain shall surely be put to death. 13He shall surely be stoned or shot with arrows; not a hand is to be laid on him. Whether man or animal, he shall not be permitted to live.’

Suddenly, God became distant?

Exodus 20
The Ten Commandments
The moral laws
How important is morality to man?
How important is morality to God?

Exodus 20:26
…do not go up to my altar on steps, lest your nakedness be exposed on it.(
Wala silang underwear?)

Exodus 21
And then the civil laws.
Relationship is what these laws are all about.
Relationship in view of what is good and equal for all.
Relationship with man.
As relationship with man is also relationship with God
who is in all men.

1.20.11

Rollie Reyes texted me early today to say that he was surprised to find the daily updates on my blog.

Truly, there is the tendency to be slothful in writing due to stress and age. But the commitment to write again at the beginning of the year – write short and even uneventful notes but write nevertheless – is a good motivation.

I remember one time when Rollie, out of the excitement of the heart, announced my blogsite to a few friends and I was too apprehensive afterwards that I immediately reacted. It was so foolish of me. But I still like to maintain the privacy of my thoughts to a very small round of dear, dear friends.

Last night, the message at the service was “What is Good to Do in this Short Life?” based on Ecclesiastes. Again, it was good to be reminded to minimize pain and maximize pleasure and happiness, to do good and to enjoy life.

I realize of late that coming to terms with the inevitable passage of time, therefore age, has been an easy route for me. I account this for the fact, perhaps, that I never missed much on fun when I was much younger. Prior to turning 40, I think I had experienced what most young people at their peak live through, both printable and unprintable. And therefore now, I only need to look back and savor the best memories of the good old days. And nights, too!


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 14-17

Exodus 14:14
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

The spectacular parting of the Red Sea.
Recent documentaries show how scientifically this was possible, but wouldn’t it be just nice to believe that the sea really parted because Moses raised his staff?
Come to think of it – it is highly unlikely that a whole chapter of song (Exodus 15) could be written for a fictional, even legend-ary account!

The Grumblers and the Quail and Manna
Receiving God’s grace day by day.
Exodus 16:18
He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little.

The Lord is my Banner: Lifting Hands to God
Exodus 17:11-12
As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.

Father, remind me not to grumble about things that come my way, especially the bad ones. You have brought me this far and there is no way I will ever turn back. Teach me to appreciate all of what you are to me.

1.19.11

I am done with the third book of the month:
Life on the Refrigerator Door by Alice Kuipers

Even if the jacket cover inscribes a note from Joanne Harris that it is “very original and touching”, I find it lacking in soul. For such a unique subject (mother and daughter coping with mother’s breast cancer), words to evince the heart were wanting. If originality meant the use of concise post-it words to picture a domestic drama, I would rather label them a collection of poems rather than a novel. On that note, Sonya Sones’ “Stop Pretending” is a much, much better read.

I also watched the John Depp-Angelina Jolie starrer and sleeper, “The Tourist”. It was quite a relaxing film to watch if you don’t expect much but entertainment. You have to suspend all your disbelief in order to make it an enjoyable run.

There is something about Angelina Jolie and Marianne Rivera that I do not like.
Hmmmmm.
Think Jennifer Aniston and Karylle.
Basta.


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 11-13

Plunder the Egyptians!

The killing of the firstborn as the final act in the chapter between God and Pharaoh.
One thinks, “Babies?”
Does seem cruel.
But…how does one contend with what God has in mind?

The Passover
Thank you, Lord, for being my Passover Lamb.
Thank you for your blood that covers me from death.

1.18.11

I started my tennis re-training and was surprised to learn that the coach who took advance payment for my training is now in Qatar two weeks after I last saw him.
I didn’t overstress myself.
A 45-minute workout did me some sweating and I thought that was enough for the day.

The puppies had another deworming and vitamins injection.
And they now love to be let out of their playpen!!

Rafael Nadal won his first match by beating Marcus Daniel of Brazil 6-0 5-0. The loser retired injured.

Mike Bustamante came and went as usual, in spite of a screaming Yahoo message that he wants to see me when he arrives.
No, we never set eyes on each other.
So much for words.


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 8-10

The contest:
God vs. Pharaoh
Since Pharaoh had a hard heart, so God hardened his heart.

Exodus 10:1-2
Then the LORD said to Moses, “Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart and the hearts of his officials so that I may perform these miraculous signs of mine among them that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians and how I performed my signs among them, and that you may know that I am the LORD.”
cf.
Romans 1:18-26
God gave the sinful and the lustful over to their sinful and lustful desires.
(Ah ganon ha? Addict ka pala. Eto pa ang drugs!!!)

The plagues:
An affront to Egyptian gods?

1.17.11

The Australian Open starts again today.
I am rooting for Rafael Nadal, of course.
I want him to complete the Nadal Slam, winning the French, Wimbledon, US Open and Australian Open consecutively. It won’t be a calendar Grand Slam, but it will make him six short of Federer’s slam records.
Doable?
Well, if he believes so, who can stop him.

But the Fed camp thinks that 20 slams are not at all impossible.
Well, if he believes so, who can stop him.

“The Social Network” won Best Picture Drama
“The Kids are All Right” won Best Picture Musical or Comedy
Natalie Portman won Best Actress Drama for “Black Swan”
Annette Bening won Best Actress Musical or Comedy for “The Kids are All Right”
Colin Firth won Best Actor Drama for “The King’s Speech”
Paul Giamatti won Best Actor Musical or Comedy for “Barney’s Version”
Melissa Leo won Best Supporting Actress for “The Fighter”
Christian Bale won Best Supporting Actor for “The Fighter”
David Fincher won Best Director for “The Social Network”
Aaron Sarkin won Best Screenplay for “The Social Network”

My BS at Mega and Jo-es went well. I must say there were things I discussed that I did not even think of even during preparation. For instance, the Magandang Balita version of Exodus 20:8-11 states that “tapusin ang dapat gawin” during the first six days when the Lord commanded to labor. One can only do that when there is a schedule of activities that need to be done on a weekly basis.

Shall I interpret the passage that way or is it just the obsessive-compulsive in me finding an excuse for me being me – a schedule freak?


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 5-7

It must have been daunting for Moses to be on the Israelites’ side and being bullied by this hard-headed lot.

The intention was to free the Israelites. The first reaction from the oppressor was to oppress them a little bit more. And I think, unless we understand and accept that God knows more than we do, it is hard to fathom that God will allow us to go through suffering “for his glory”?

There was a group therapy scene in “The Rabbit Hole” where parents whose children died young met, and one of the mothers said that God must have wanted another angel so he had to take their son. That was the mother’s comfort-thought. And the character Nicole played said something like, “If he needed an angel, why didn’t he just create one?”

And the question does make sense.
Except that, our comfort-thought tells us and makes us want to believe that God knows better.

In the case of the Israelites, if emotion is allowed to rule, they have every reason to be not to listen to Moses after the more severe bondage brought about by the “talk” to release them. They had every reason to be discouraged.

Thankfully, the Lord never let up.
Moses, 80, was given a spokesman: Aaron, 83.
Old men with young hearts!

1.16.11

Something is making me smile.
The puppies.

Pia passed away two weeks after giving birth due to hypecalcema – lack of calcium. I felt bad because my ignorance led to an unintentional negligence. I should have paid more attention.

But the six puppies born to her – Cyrus, Theneena, Trish, Quadro, Pipo, Bunsita – brighten me up. They are now six weeks old having been on November 27, 2010.
A bit expensive to maintain them.
S-26 for milk.
Pet One for solid food.
Vaccines.
Deworming.

Quadro will be adopted by Ricky. Pipo by Loren.

Theneena is supposed to go to Marilou. And Trish to Pat.
But how will they manage to sustain their needs?

Cyrus and Bunsita will stay with us.
Bunsita had this derma problem two weeks ago and had to be shaved, but now the hair is growing back again.

And looking after them is something that makes me smile.


REFLECTIONS
Exodus 1-4

Rewind:
Genesis 15:13-14
Then the LORD said to him, “Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions.”

The Lord’s word slowly taking shape. God’s plan cannot be twisted, changed, deleted.

God was kind to the disobedient midwives because their disobedience to authority was premised on their fear of God; their disobedience favored God’s favored people. Something to mull about.

Let me be attentive to “burning bushes” in my life – people, time, circumstances – so that I am fully aware when you are speaking to me, Lord!

Let me not become like Moses who finds a lot of excuses to avoid leading your people – although I am fully aware that I do not want to be under the public’s prying eyes, and you know it is for purely selfish reasons.

Exodus 3:14
I AM WHO I AM
cf. John 8:58
God’s name = Jesus!

1.15.11

I quite enjoyed my BS at HP today. The topic was Matthew 5:17-20.
What made me enjoy it was the fact that I was struggling even before the actual BS for lack of insight and during the actual BS, my tongue loosened a bit and the words just flew out. Words that I hardly remember now.

The third movie of the month: “All Good Things” starring Ryan Gosling and Kirsten Dunst, a fictionalized script based or “inspired” by the events in the life of Robert Dursts who was sentenced in 2003 to nine months imprisonment for the death of his neighbor Morris Black citing self-defense and was a suspect in the disappearance of his wife in 1982.

Some people live sad and sick lives.

I can’t believe I have been working on this journal for 15 straight days now. The writing is not substantial in view of time constraint, but this is better exercise than wishing.

REFLECTIONS
Genesis 47-50

Genesis 50:19-21
But Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children.” And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.

Family is important.
No matter how odd, emotionally-straining, spiritually trying – unity in the family (love, forgiveness, kindness, letting go, patience, and all valuable positive values) is prime.

Think of the many young people who sell their body and soul for a family's survival. They bite their tongue, they go through indignities, they dive and rise out of many little hells in order to give small packets of heavens to their family. Should they be condemned?

And then of course, there is death, too.
All men – great and otherwise – meet their Maker.
And the only way to do that is to leave this enveloping body that frees the spirit.

Come to think of it, we are given a body only to taste, enjoy and savor this physical life.
Short. Borrowed.
And therefore should be maximized!

1.14.11

I had too much of Margarita and Sangria last night that made me drive wild along Zapote road in spite of silent mutterings to myself to be cool. Will not do it again. Harry was waiting for me when I got home. He needed company which I provided. Me and another one. I hope he was relieved.

Jens Kopietz phoned from Germany!
What a pleasant surprise.
He mused about a lot of things including wanting to visit the Philippines this summer, about Susan, his wife, suspecting that we had sex while we were together in Riyadh which I swear never happened, about missing me, and about installing Skype on my laptop so we could chat.
I think he was in a happy mood.
I just wasn’t sure if it were because of him talking to me,
or something else in his system?


REFLECTIONS
Genesis 43-46

God uses adversities to call our attention, reinforce our faith, and bless us.

Genesis 45:1-5
Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, “Have everyone leave my presence!” So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh’s household heard about it. Joseph said to his brothers, “I am Joseph! Is my father still living?” But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence. Then Joseph said to his brothers, “Come close to me.” When they had done so, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you…”

One of the most dramatic scenes in Genesis, it depicts forgiveness, love, unquestioning faith. Our present circumstances are results of our past choices that will affect even our future situations. Joseph chose to attribute his sad past to God’s will for his family. I wonder if many of us could be like that. Ordinarily, revenge would have been a much easier choice.

Babangon ako at dudurugin ko kayo!

1.13.11

Today, I finished reading “Stop Pretending” a poignant collection of poems using falling rhythms written by Sonya Sones. The book tells “what happened when my (Sonia’s) big sister went crazy” – how she, as a young girl, coped with the family’s miseries during the time of her sister’s confinement in a mental institution. It was fresh, easy to understand and relate to, and very similar to the style I use whenever I write poems. And I remember those times when I pored on Rod McKuen’s poems as means to understand my adolescent musings on feelings and relationships and friendships and loves – yes, love of many sorts.

Wow, this is the second book of the month!
Next in line, a novel by Alice Kuipers called
“Life on the Refrigerator Door”
(Notes Between a Mother and Daugher)

REFLECTIONS
Genesis 40-42

Divine Providence
Joseph’s story – whether historical vignette, myth, or real – is an inspiring note on how God’s hand moves. We go out everyday not knowing what is about to happen to us, but if we dignify our faith by means of our action, it is not too difficult to appreciate what God can do for us. The hurdles and obstacles are necessary tools to make us savor the fruits of our labor even more.

Joseph’s rise from a sold slave to governor of Egypt, at age 30, is a remarkable testimony of a believer’s allegiance to God. The handsome young man gifted with a supernatural gift to interpret dreams was handsomely paid for his unwavering faith.

1.12.11

I texted Norrie this when he sent a message from the waiting lounge at the airport prior to his flight back to Yemen: “Sana sa susunod na bakasyon mo, maramdaman ko naman na espesyal ako sa iyo. Na hindi ako incidental lang.”

Several months ago, I think I voiced out to him that somehow, being with him was no longer as fun as it used to be. And truthfully, I couldn’t pinpoint a specific reason why I said what I said. I realize the reason why the sparks no longer bring to life fireworks when we are together: we are together because we can’t help being together, but it’s the kind of togetherness that borders on the common and the ordinary, and somehow, I feel that when things border on the ordinary, it is not too difficult to be taken for granted.

I am no royalty that needs and expects superfluous treatment nor do I desire to be heaped by praises. I am simply one friend expecting his friend to really be there especially for him. Not only out of courtesy, but out of love.


REFLECTIONS
Genesis 37-39

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.

The World of Joseph
A man of outstanding qualities will always shine forth.
Being sure of what you know you are can be mistaken for arrogance.
And arrogant people are sacrificed.

Sidenote:
Do not make a special technicolor robe that showcases a loud sketch of favoritism.
It is very dangerous to the favorite!

Genesis 39:9 (Joseph on being tempted by Potiphar’s wife)
“How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?”
When tempted, run!
When tempted, say no!
When tempted, think God!
Why is it that sometimes when tempted, all I can think of is the grace of God to forgive even if I know I am willingly going against what he likes me to do instead? Human nature. Human nature, being what it is, and I am no better than any average human. What a lousy excuse!

Onan’s withdrawal of his semen when he had sex with Tamar was seen as wicked in the sight of the Lord. Of course, this had a context at the time: the misappropriation of the “seed”. In Germany, onanieren means masturbation, a youthful pastime that excites, exhilarates, and then wastes the “seed” as well. Is that why masturbation is bad?

1.11.11

Ten days ago, there were only three 1s standing erect on the title. Today, there are five. In another ten months time, there will be six. And unfortunately, there was nothing significant I did in celebration of the five 1s.

Well, there is, of course, my first BS at Merchant’s which, come to think of it, can also be counted as worthy of significance.

I spent the rest of the day being in the company of Norrie, he who has been a permanent fixture in and of my life since 1976. He still works in Yemen and has been overseas from 1984 when I recommended him to work at the Diwan of Royal Court Affairs in Oman. Now an English teacher, he remains adrift between coming home and settling overseas to a still undecided place.

I chided him, “Hanggang ngayon OFW ka pa rin,” and I wish I didn’t. It did sound a bit pompous and condescending. And I understand why he is being so ambivalent. The burden continues to be a burden even if he, like Ronnie and I, has advanced in years. How much longer? There lies the dilemma of every overseas worker. The supposedly transitory period of advancement in life becomes the life support, and being cut off from the “apparatus” becomes a major-major decision.

But if I had been fortunate to have made the right decision at the most opportune time, who am I to impose the same fortune on others? I am grateful for the fact that every calculated move I chose to make, no matter how brain-twisting and wrenching the long mental deliberations had been, is now reaping for me good harvests. I should be kinder.


REFLECTIONS
Genesis 33-36

Rewind:
Genesis 32:9-12 (Jacob’s prayer)
9Then Jacob prayed, “O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, O LORD, who said to me, ‘Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,’ 10I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two groups. 11Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. 12But you have said, ‘I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.’”

This was Jacob’s prayer prior to his dramatic reunion with Esau, the brother he cheated 20 years earlier. It is such a sincere, no-frills prayer that states what the petitioner wants. Oh, that we could be more knowing of things to ask!!!

Forgiveness is key to peace.
Nothing more.

Then and now, the violence of rape (as in the rape of Jacob’s daughter, Dinah) affects even the sturdiest of men. Were Jacob’s sons justified in exacting revenge?

It is always nice to go back to and settle down in your roots.
(Which is what I would advice Norrie, too. There is no place better than in one where you are not considered a second-class citizen.)

1.10.11

First book of the year: Twisted 9 by Jessica Zafra
Not too lengthy, only about 110 pages.
Not too substantial either.
One down.

I have all the Twisted books, but the last two, Twisted 8-1/2 and Twisted 9, are my favorite book cover designs – simple, elegant, direct to the point, light read.
I think I will have my “blog book” in similar design.

The thing that got me going were the essays on tennis: she is a Fed fan, I am a Nadalian, but Jessica is kind to Rafa, so I have nothing to say.

But honestly, I think I am way past Jessica. It is the same feeling I feel after reading three consecutive books by the same author. (e.g. Max Lucado, Philip Yancey, Dan Brown, Paolo Coelho) There’s a certain amount of being busog. And you just long for something else.

First BS at Mega and Jo-es: 3/10 of the Ten Commandments.
I like to be prudent in spending my love gifts.


REFLECTIONS
Genesis 30-32

If God chooses you, he will bless you. Jacob’s blessings even after 20 years of hard labor prove that God’s hand is at work.

Genesis 30:1 (Rachel’s cry) “Give me children or I’ll die!”
This is too loaded with meaning and application.
Let me be productive or I’ll go crazy.
Give me something to do or I’ll be bored.
Do not let me live in shame!

Mizpah: “May the Lord keep watch between you and me when we are away from one another.” – Genesis 31:49

The stolen gods: Laban had them, Rachel stole them.
The wrestling: God “lost” to Jacob (or did he really?)

No matter how deep the grudge is, reconcile!!!!

1.9.11

1.9.11

The workers, in celebration of Pasalamat, received their hard-bound copy of 365 Daily Supplement for the Heart, my favorite Ed Lapiz book so far. It was kind of nice seeing everyone holding a copy of the book that took two months to launch. Only two months. Hard work. Hard labor. But worth all the trouble.

Every time I open a page, I can’t help myself from giggling. I don’t know why.

I received another compilation of Barbra Streisand’s concerts today from Atty. Cora Borbollo. What a sweet lady! (How could she have known I am a fan? Ha-ha-ha!!!)



REFLECTIONS
Genesis 27-29

Three chapters that highlighted deception: Jacob and Rebekah’s against Isaac and Esau, and consequently (?) Laban’s towards Jacob.

Deception is wrong. But God allowed it to happen for something that is right.
I must stop agonizing about the many wrongs in my life. Out of them, something right will definitely come out.

But Jacob’s dream was a very nice prelude to a personal covenant with God.
I believe that all we need is to be sensitive to God’s voice in order for us to really put order in our life – to commit to trust, to follow and believe over and over again.

1.8.11

“Perfection is not just about control. It’s also about letting go.”
- Tomas Leroy played by Vincent Cassel, Black Swan

Natalie Portman is mesmerizing in “Black Swan”. (True to my wish-list-come-true, this is the second weekly film that I have seen this year.) But hers is a character only few people can relate to. (cf. Annette Bening’s lesbian mom role in “The Kids are Alright.”)

Nina Sayers, Natalie’s character, in true artistic fashion, killed herself to give life to the role required of her as the Swan Queen, all in the name of perfection.

Art mirroring life, I took a turn to look at my sometimes too obsessive-compulsive behavior. Even if there is a modicum of truth in the cliché that “nobody is perfect” (ergo, practice not necessary?) I try as much as I can to epitomize perfection even if it concerns only the minute details of organizing my daily life.

But that part of self, obsessing with perfection, is only a fragment of a whole. That part of self is the only fragment that role-plays. That part is self is not completely alienated from the Partial Me but not the Entire Me. I am a combination of imbalanced perfection and imperfection, broken yet whole, fallen but redeemed.



My BS at HP resumes today.
The best reward aside from the envelope from Ate Letty and leche flan from Ate Lee is a text message from Abet: “Thank you, Bro. Joey. We now have something to look forward to again every Saturday. Ingat po. God bless.”


REFLECTIONS
Genesis 23-26

If we allow God to make the choices for us, we will always get the best.
Does this include people we are going to spend the rest of our lives with?
Isaac and Rebekah never met, but their “arranged” marriage seemed to work.
How is it that we are too obsessed with feelings to finding Mr. or Ms. Right?

The mortality of man: Abraham, having served his purpose in life, died, too. I wonder what enveloped his life altogether. Was it simply a one-dimensional spiritual life all the way? What was his humanity like? What went on in his head every time he had to deal with God? Was there really no resistance at all? No reasoning – he being a man of rhetoric?

Isaac, the “weakened” son – who wouldn’t be traumatized by the fact that you were a thread away from being slaughtered by your own father? – is now a father himself. Jacob, the Sly and Esau, the Sloth, who would later, by wrong choice of partner grieve his parents.

Isaac “inherited” Abraham’s lying. Is sinning hereditary too?
Who is worthy of a ticket to heaven, then? None.
But praise God – his grace claims those who have no claim to his grace!

1.7.11

A small dent to my physical conditioning: I went to bed at 3 a.m. this morning because Inno, Liza & Emong’s son, asked for help in his Computer Science thesis. It gave me a splitting headache for most of the day. I have this mental condition that if I feel something wrong is going to happen to me if I act against my better judgment, it actually happens.

Case in point: many, many years ago while in Zurich with Jan Neels, we were served a small amount of salad for dinner. I immediately took a small degree of “distaste” for the vegetables on the plate and thought that it looked like cows’ meal and that if I took a bite of the dressed leaves, I’d be sick. I had allergies all over my body that night which sent both Jan and I frantically looking for pharmaceutical relief way past midnight in a seedy part of the city.

Norrie and I had a talk about his future.
I am no seer.
I am just a friend offering a few words of caution.
I said, unless you know where you are going, there is no way you can know how to get there.
I hope he heard me.


REFLECTIONS
Genesis 20-22

Abraham: The Liar, Part II.
Even mighty men used of and by God have their own Achilles’ heels to mind.

Isaac: The Promise
I told you so!

Abraham and Isaac: The Test
There is this beautiful poster at Sis. Nelia Ogalesco’s office that I love so much. In it is written:

“When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go. Only one of these two things will happen – either, He will catch you when you fall or He will teach you how to fly.”

There is only one condition to know: let go.
Abraham and Isaac did just that.

1.6.11

I love doing the publications part of my job.
It is the budgeting that is really challenging, nerve-wracking, stomach-twisting, ulcer-inducing and mentally taxing for me.
But knowing the challenge attached to the work, it makes me bury my neck deeper into it, hoping that when I lift my head up, the figures are balanced and well-managed.

Today, talking to Church Strengthening Ministries about the line up of books to be published this year pumps my adrenaline high. One of the line-ups is to do – the Lord willing – my first book.

In my head, I like to give it this title:
SABI NI PASTOR ED…
25 Liberating Life Lessons Learned
from my Pastor
God, please, please, please keep me grounded!!!


REFLECTIONS
Genesis 16-19

When you think about it, many things we interpret as “wrong” were allowed by God to happen, and we attribute that to his permissive will. What if it is really meant to be? If God allowed Ishmael to be borne of Hagar, what business is it of ours? If Abraham had been to weak to impose himself on Sarah, who are we to judge?

Abraham’s concern about Ishmael as voiced out in 17:18 was touching but reeked of helplessness. Thank God, he hears, even the whispers of the heart!

God hears what we say and knows what we think and doubt about.
Nothing is hidden.
He knows all the reasons for our smiles and laughter, whether in jest, in ridicule, in disbelief and in the purity of it all.

Hear how Abraham reasoned with God. Only practice can do that. And what intercession! What prayer! What love!

Two oldest sexual no-no’s: homosexuality as in Sodom and incest as in Lot and his daughters. What can I say? What do I think? My skin creeps at what my heart keeps.

Lord, strengthen me not to dwell on my past, lest I became a pillar of salt. Dead to the present, dead to possibilities of redemption, dead to the promises of tomorrow.

1.5.11

A few concerns about renovating the house in Bataan:
If I did that, that would mean Tatay and Nanay will stay in Bataan.
That would mean I cannot personally look after them.
That would mean I will leave them at the mercy of my irresponsible siblings.
That would mean I will be supporting them so they can support their brood.
That would mean giving them something to dread as they age.
That would mean being unkind to them.
Therefore,
That would mean I will have to rethink about renovating the house in Bataan.

In spite of our differences, my heart cannot afford to let them be.
I will keep them here.
With me.
No matter what.
And this is a commitment I like to honor in your name, Lord.
Just please, please help me.


REFLECTIONS
Genesis 12-15

Genesis 15:6 “Abram believed the Lord and he credited it to be him as righteousness.”

Teach me to follow your commands as Abram did, leaving my “Ur” behind to go to your “Canaan.”

Oftentimes, your promises seem too overwhelming to comprehend, but you know better. You know your words more. Your thoughts are too, too high than mine. I only need to know You Are and I believe. You always keep your promises. Please help me fulfill my duty to trust and obey.

Do I have the same caring attitude as Abram showed his nephew Lot?
Will I lie like Abram to shield my skin?
It is not for me to qualify. It is not for me to say.
You, Lord, know the recesses of my heart.
But don’t let me be like Lot who was overcome by the “glitter” of a “prosperous city”

If Melchizedek was the priest of the Most High God even before Abram became Abraham, there must have been an organized religious hierarchy prior to the Levitical priesthood. And there must have been a spiritual consciousness to tithe at a time when tithing was not officially in fashion!

You are my shield, Lord, and my great reward! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

1.4.11

Rollie Panganiban and I beat Norrie and Harry, 6-1 6-4, in my first tennis doubles match this year – in spite of the other pair leading us 4-1 in the second set. I think I am doing good with my wish list. This is the first time I am committed to stay fit by doing more fitness and wellness programs. But, oh, how my body ached later! I think there is something about aging that dictates you to be kinder to your body.


REFLECTIONS
Genesis 10-11

I will not rebel as those who wanted to build the tower.
I will not make my own tower.
I am not a tower.
I am nobody.
I am somebody only because of God.
I am somebody with a voice that should speak for God.
I am somebody – more than just a language, I am a soul whose banner is God.

1.3.11

I skipped the usual schedule to do BS in Valenzuela today and extended my Christmas vacation just a wee bit. Today, my Avanza has exceeded 15,000 kms and had to be sent back to the Toyota shop for the necessary maintenance. I was accommodated well in their morning schedule even if I had no prior appointment and was grateful to Carlo for his arrangements. P5,717.00 later, my car strode along Macapagal as if new.

Bought one book, Jessica Zafra’s “Twisted 9”.
Had my first Haagen Dazs of the year, my favorite Macadamia Nuts!
Had my first Sangria and frozen Margarita with Loren, Dolly, Jeff, Tony and Nori at Mexicali.

I pray these small packets of “happiness” continue round the year.



REFLECTIONS
Genesis 4-9

Genesis 4:7 “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?

I am my brother’s keeper.
Don’t let the love that you poured in my heart turn cold.
I love loving – maybe not as great as yours for me, Lord – but I want to love.

Genesis 6:6 “The LORD was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain.”

This has to be the saddest verse in the entire Bible.
I do not want to harbor any bitter thoughts in my heart, nor do I want to patronize my ever-lurking wicked ways. I want to be the good you have always intended for me to be.

I wonder what Cain’s mark was.
And isn’t it wonderful – another sign of God’s love – that in spite of his sin, he was marked so as not to be hurt?

I wonder what Ham did to his father Noah that merited a curse? Could it be a mere voyeuristic feat into Noah’s nakedness? Or…?

1.2.11

Watched “Rabbit Hole” last night – the one starring Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart. It was a story of coping with the loss of a loved one, subtly essayed by both actors. You like to sympathize with the character Nicole was playing, but you are bothered by her “no-longer natural” lips. The same thing you feel when you see pictures of Meg Ryan, Melanie Griffith, Ruffa Gutierrez and Pops Fernandez.

But the real point is, I got my first film of the first week of the year done with. And I indulged in a bit of mini-shopping as I bought two pairs of pants and a checkered black, red and white shirt. Not bad for a start.

On top of this, Norrie and Harry were with me as we strolled and shopped and dined and talked and laughed and took photos of a moment in time when the beginning of the year only brought nothing but smiles and laughter. It does make me feel better.



REFLECTIONS
Genesis 1-3

Dear Father,
Thank you for creating me as wonderfully as you made me out to be.

Show me my own little world to have “dominion” over and help me do my best to “oversee” it.

Teach me not to want so much and not to be deceived by “serpents” around.

Help me to be responsible for my own failures, shortcomings and sins and honestly acknowledge them before you.

1.1.11

WISH LIST FOR 2011

1. Renovate house in Bataan
2. Repair house in Augustus
3. Save short-term and long-term
4. Travel locally with Tatay & Nanay and travel abroad
5. Read one book a month
6. Print first personal book
7. Publish 4 major books for Kaloob/CSM
8. Learn more by reviewing more
9. Play tennis again
10. Be health-conscious
11. Watch film once a week
12. Indulge once a month
13. Retreat once a quarter
14. Write
15. Be better

So help me, God!


REFLECTIONS

Psalm 39:4
“Show me, O LORD, my life’s end and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting is my life.”

What a kind reminder about the brevity of life! Teach me, Lord, to put my life only in your hands and to make each day of the year count for you.

Last night, amid the noise shooing all evil spirits away, I was mostly silent. I meditated and prayed thankful prayers and hopeful prayers and wishful prayers and bowed and pleased and praised and honored the Father and Mother and Son of all Creation, grateful if only for the fact that I not only exist but also live and bask in the glory of my being a part of the Divine.

I am alive and what a life!
Full.
Lacking nothing.